How I stopped comparing myself to others

 

This story happened about fifteen years ago. At that time, I had been in a long-term relationship for many years, and while secretly hoping that my partner would propose to me soon, he repeatedly made it clear that the proposal would happen when he felt it was the right time. Since I couldn't find the imagined romance in my own life, I alleviated my internal frustration by immersing myself in the relationship stories of the women around me. This is when one of my colleagues arrived with the news that her boyfriend was taking her on a romantic weekend to Venice. The plan was to leave late at night on Thursday by train, spend the night on the train, have breakfast in Venice, and my colleague added mysteriously that she felt this would be the big occasion when her boyfriend would propose. They would spend the weekend together in Venice and return by train on Sunday night.

It's difficult to describe what this plan triggered in me at that moment. Jealousy mixed with frustration about my own life, anger at my helplessness, and envy. In my mind's eye, I could see my colleague happily setting off for Venice with her love, sitting at the white tablecloth-covered table in the dining car, enjoying a three-course champagne dinner by candlelight, then spending the rest of the night in a luxurious cabin familiar from Poirot movies. Breakfast in an intimate café in St. Mark's Square, romantic strolls along the canals, and a proposal on the Bridge of Sighs would complete the day. From that point on, I didn't think the story further because it included everything I imagined for my own proposal.

In a half-hysterical state (yes, I know), I told my version of the story to my boyfriend, about how unfair life was and how my colleague was fortunate to have the perfect proposal. My boyfriend just laughed and asked if this was really the truth or just a product of my imagination. I argued that it simply couldn't happen any other way because this is the ideal script, from the champagne dinner to the Bridge of Sighs.

Arriving at work on Monday, I eagerly awaited my colleague's account of her experience, but she just stirred her coffee wearily. I asked, "How was the Bridge of Sighs?" to which she began a long story that revealed her boyfriend regretted spending money on the cabin, so they travelled to Venice for twelve hours sitting back-to-back on an extremely uncomfortable chair. There was no dinner. They arrived in St. Mark's Square early in the morning when no cafes were open. It was drizzling, and since they couldn't sleep on the train, they were tired and cold. They could only check into their hotel room four hours later and fell asleep from exhaustion, sleeping all day. Then they returned on the night train.

No romantic stroll, no proposal at all. A completely different reality where the story I had woven in my head had no trace. Interestingly, I felt sadness hearing about it. 

That was the point when I realised that I had been running a program in my mind in which I constantly compared my life to others. I was so absorbed in other people's stories, their appearance, their houses, their relationships, that I completely neglected the real essence, myself. I didn't pay attention to my own desires, or what kind of life I want to live.

As soon as I shifted the focus from others to myself, my own story finally began, and I stepped onto my own path. I started to dealing with questions of who really I am, what my values and passions are, and what do I stand for. I'm not saying that this path is easy, but it's mine, and it taught me that everyone has their own path, so comparing ourselves to others is completely pointless.

The truth is, we don't see what is happening in other people's lives, we don't know how much difficulty, sacrifice, or even suffering lies behind a seemingly successful story. And it's not even certain that what appears to be success from the outside is truly a success inside.

I'd like to share with you the two fundamental questions that I use when I get stuck in a comparative spiral:

Is this really true?

If there is even a chance that what you think is not entirely true, then an interesting thing happens: you realise that your thoughts are not real, but rather parts of a story that you have created for yourself. And in that moment, when you have insight into the functioning of your thought patterns, you are able to stop these patterns. And from that point you can think differently.

What steps can I take today to redirect the focus back onto myself?

It is worth starting with activities that relax and refill you, that you do with joy, passion, because they also help to gain a fresh perspective on yourself and your life. So think about what excites you, what would you do just for fun. In the minute you start something that you can immerse yourself in, all the comparison in life will disappear.