About control

 

In the past month, many things in my life have worked out differently than I had planned. Friendships have ended, projects have changed, important people have exited my life, while others have arrived. Unfortunately, no matter how much I try to be flexible, these changes are wearing me down. After working as an events manager for twenty years, planning, predictability, and control have been my loyal companions on my journey. There was a time when I even put my vacation plans into an Excel spreadsheet. On the first day of our trip, my partner at the time casually tore the printed itinerary into pieces, saying that vacations should be about spontaneity. I didn't panic just because I already knew the entire spreadsheet by heart, and somehow, we always ended up following the original plan spontaneously. I explained all this to myself that it provides a certain sense of security to know in advance how things will unfold.

Unfortunately, I cling so much to this sense of security that when something doesn't go as planned, I get scared. Why am I afraid of losing control? Why does spontaneity frighten me?

 

As I delve deeper into this topic (reading books, listening lectures, meditating), and get to know myself better, I realise that it's not the spontaneity that I'm actually afraid of, it's the unpredictability of the unknown. Not knowing what will happen. 

 

This realisation raises the question of whether the unknown is necessarily negative, or if it's possible that something much better might occur than what I had planned? 

If in reality, things rarely go according to plan, maybe I'm just clinging to an illusion? What would happen if I let go of this illusory control and let my life unfold on its own? What if that everything I can't control is teaching me to let go?