How I broke one of my mental patterns

 

My work life has four main phases. The first one is called the honeymoon phase. Just when I start working in a new place, with full of hopes and excitement. The candy-coated dream world. Perfect colleagues, perfect clients. On one hand, I am proud and grateful to be a part of an amazing company, on the other hand, doubts arise in me whether I am good enough. In the best-case scenario, this phase lasts for a year, in the worst case, it ends by the second week.

The second phase starts when reality hits for the first time. I realise that not everything is perfect, in fact, there are difficult and irritating personalities that I have to deal with for eighty percent of my days. At the same time, I still have the desire to comply, the creative drive, and the excitement of the work process. This phase lasts for about a year.

In the third, difficulties become a daily occurrence. From minor unpleasant situations to serious conflicts. I suffer greatly, but for some reason, I still find challenges in my work. Another six to eight months pass.

The final catharsis comes in the fourth phase. By then, I practically exist as an overworked, burnt out, and endlessly frustrated puppet, who only needs a spark to quit. Depending on my mental state, this period varies between three days and four weeks. Resignation brings temporary relief; I immediately minimise any contact with the former company and run as if being chased. Until the next job.

However, there is no transitional period between the two jobs, no processing of emotions or situations, no self-reflection. Instead, I dive headfirst into the next honeymoon phase.

This is the dynamic I have lived in for the past twenty years.

But then, at my most recent job, the third phase brought such intense pain, self-doubt, and anxiety, that after months of suffering, I suddenly recognised my own mental pattern, that my most likely next step would be to run away. I understood that I had two options, either keep fleeing as I always did, and repeat the same pattern, or change my own mindset and face the difficulties. I chose the latter, it required intense internal work, but looking back now, after a year and a half, I can say it was worth it. My positive attitude generated positive responses from my colleagues, as well as a more relaxed and enjoyable work environment. Thanks to the internal work, I found my own authentic voice, with which I am assertive, and cooperative. I consciously broke my own pattern, because previously it only resulted frustration and constant struggle.

The first step was recognising the pattern itself. However, I needed a strong toolset to make meaningful changes. The following tools helped me along the way.

1. Therapy - through therapy, I understood my own functioning, and self-reflection sparked my journey towards consciousness.

2. Meditation - through learning various meditation techniques and practicing mindful presence, I became capable of observing my own thoughts and letting go of control over them.

3. Writing - expressing my thoughts and feelings on paper without judgment or control helped me to gain better insight into my own patterns.

Self-awareness is not an easy path, but by embarking on it, I gained the ability to consciously make changes in my life, leading to positive transformations in every aspect.